THE TOP TEN Holidays
Swan Fungus (www.swanfungus.com) spends Memorial Day weekend wondering why other, more important holidays aren't considered special enough to demand we stay home from work. Pretty simple list, right? To see what this list looked like before you screwed it up, click here: http://www.swanfungus.com/2009/05/the-top-ten-holidays.html
Swan Fungus (www.swanfungus.com) spends Memorial Day weekend wondering why other, more important holidays aren't considered special enough to demand we stay ... more
Twilight Zone Day - May 11th is Twilight Zone Day, not because the show began airing on this day (that would be October 1st, 1959), nor because it coincides with the birth or death of Rod Serling (12/25/24 - 6/28/75). None of that really matters. I just want to have a day off from work (or two) where I can lay in bed and watch episodes of The Twilight Zone. I’ve never quite understood why the Sci-Fi channel always airs their marathon on New Year’s Eve/Day. They should do it in the middle of May, and the entire country should be able to stay home from work and watch if they want.
National Pet Memorial Day - Way more important than our countries sons and daughters who have fought to sustain our way of life and bring freedom to those who are oppressed around the world…our pets need to be remembered! The second Sunday in September is National Pet Memorial Day, and even though we can’t take off from work on that day, it’s way more important than regular old Memorial Day. That shit is old. Let’s take that following Monday and spend it going to the parks with our dogs, or sitting at home and chilling out with our cats. Or, you know, doing whatever it is you do with pets that aren’t dogs or cats. We also need to remember those deceased pets. And, really, it’s always harder to lose a pet than it is a loved one, am I right? Those helpless creatures deserve our thoughts way more than selfish (dead) humans do.
Plush Animal Lover’s Day - It’s supposedly “always on October 28th,” but if you live in Los Angeles, this holiday is usually celebrated on Christmas Eve. Or at least it has been for the past two years when I’ve gone out to area bars in a beautiful plush mouse costume and brought holiday cheer to hipsters and Hollywood douchebags at notorious area bars. Much stranger than being nude for a day with everybody else in the country, would be being in plush animal costumes with everybody else in the country for a day. Oh man, imagine all the beautiful things you would see. A lion waiting on a monkey at a cafe…A horse dining with an elephant. It’d be like the best Animal Planet show never created.
National Nude Day - July 14th is National Nude day. Even though most people go to pool parties or the beaches and wind up drunk and nude 10 days earlier, there’s a national holiday (originated in New Zealand) created in its honor on the 14th of July. To celebrate this very serious holiday (think about all the nudists colonies around the globe), we should all stay home from work and be naked. Or you could go out and be naked, if you’re not ashamed of your body. I think it’d be a little weird to walk into Whole Foods and see some old dude’s balls while perusing the cheese counter. It’d also be kind of creepy to go to the movies, just because you’re in a theater with probably 50-100 strangers sitting in the dark naked together. At that point you might as well all hold hands, right? I’m not so sure about proper nude etiquette, but if this becomes a federal holiday and we can stay home from work, I’m more than willing to learn.
World Kindness Day - November 13th is always World Kindness Day, or so says the “Declaration of Kindness,” which was made on November 13th, 1997 following a series of conferences in Japan. I don’t quite get it, but I’m pretty sure it means we should all stay home from work giving each other handjobs. That’s about as kind a gesture I can think of without seeing a really rapid rise in the amount of STD’s that are transferred between partners worldwide. We could also celebrate by buying each other pints of beer at the local pub. It’d be a day when you just get drunk with friends and pay for each other’s drinks. I don’t know about you, but I could definitely capture the spirit of July 4th in the middle of November. Grilling and drinking and saying uplifting things to my friends. I like it. Let’s make it happen.
National Organ Donor Day - Why should February 14th be known worldwide as Valentine’s Day, a stupid made-up holiday? It’s way more important that we honor those of us who have signed up to donate their organs. That’s, like, almost as worthy of commemoration as dying during an armed conflict, right? I mean, soldiers are practically organ donors. They’re donating their organs to a cause. And that cause is war. So why should they be the only ones who get memorialized on a fancy-pants holiday. Let’s pay our respects to the taxi cab driver who donated his eyes to science, too! And the schoolteacher who will give up her liver after her death. And the child rapist donated his tongue just in the hopes that it would wind up somehow on the penis of a little boy! Let’s honor them all!
Lazy Day - Somehow, August 10th became a holiday known as Lazy Day. I can’t find any information about the holiday’s origins, but it exists! August 10th seems like a great time for a federal holiday. It’s a month after July 4th and a month before all those crazy Jewish holidays start, so getting a day off from work at that time would be perfect. Alas, this will never happen, at least until the government officially adopts a 4-day work week in order to conserve energy. Because then the politicians will be like, “Sure, take August 10th off every year!” And they’ll find a way to make sure August 10th always falls on a weekend. Stupid politicians…
National Frozen Food Day - Originally created by Congress in 1984, Frozen Food Day (March 6th) is actually an authorized holiday which was enacted by the president. Thanks Reagan, you good-for-nothing, beloved-by-baby-boomers piece of shit! Too bad we can’t stay at home eating Stouffer’s mac-and-cheese or deep-frying frozen mozzarella sticks and tater-tots all day. That would be way cooler than remembering dead American soldiers who bravely served our country at times of war, not mention way less depressing…
Scrabble Day - Apparently April 13th is Scrabble Day. I don’t mind Scrabble, but if everybody in America took off one day from work to play a game, I would rather it be something like Farkle or Ricochet Robots. Maybe during my sophomore year of college this holiday would have appealed to me, but I’m pretty sure now that I’m older I’m only interested in higher-brow games. Now, if there was an International Mario Kart Day…that would be amazing. Getting a call from work telling me to stay home and play Mario Kart all day would be, like, discovering masturbation.
International Skeptics Day - It’s usually held on the first Friday the 13th of the year, but it can also be held on January 13th. I don’t know, I don’t really put a lot of stock in a holiday created by skeptics. It seems too Hallmark-y for my taste. Let’s just say I find the holiday a little bit suspect. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like a day off in the middle of January so that I could hunker down and finish one of the millions of unfinished projects I have to complete.
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