Vice President Joe Biden is going on a solo trip to Michigan.
What could go wrong?
What could go wrong?
Vice President Joe Biden is going on a solo trip to Michigan.
What could go wrong?
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Rank
(best ever)
6
Score
(all time)
2575.00
Created
08/04/09
Views 2525
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1
Relay an Anecdote that Could not Possibly have Happened
“You can’t tell me people aren’t suffering. Just this morning I was having coffee at Alice’s Restaurant just a few blocks from here. You all know Alice’s, right? You can get anything you want at Alice’s Restaurant. Walk right in it’s around the back. Just a half a mile from the railroad track. You can get anything you want at Alice’s Restaurant...”
2
Going off Message
“You know folks, when we came into office in January, we had no idea what we were doing. None. You should have seen Barack, he looked like a dog who had just caught the car he was chasing. Seriously, we’re lucky we haven’t accidentally ceded Alaska back to the Russians. And Timmy Geithner? The guy spent the first two weeks hiding under his desk.”
3
Revealing State Secrets
“The Stimulus is all about bringing new jobs and opportunities to Michigan. That is why we are planning on doubling the size of the secret NSA satellite listening station currently housed in a non-descript building on South Saginaw in the floors above the Post Office. You can’t miss it! Don’t forget to say hello to the director, Robert Sheller. He’s dressed like a mail carrier or something. Don’t ask me why, what am I, Tim Gunn? And make sure you tell him Joe sentcha!”
4
Scaring the Hell out of People
“This is just me, but I wouldn’t let my family out at night in Detroit. Not unless they were armed. Just stay inside and lock your doors. You hear someone screaming for help, turn the lights out and stay low. You can’t help them at that point, it’s too late.”
5
Confusing Infrastructure Projects
“Right here in Michigan we are using stimulus funds to build a totally new ferry terminal designed to handle over 300 flights a day. It's been something the people have been clamoring for for a long time.”
6
Asking the Impossible from the Disabled
“We have some celebrities in the crowd today. Right there, Marlee Matlin. Hey, Marlee, give the folks a wave. Hold on, her back is turned. Marlee!! Hey!! What, is she deaf or something? Get the wax out of your ears Marlee and say hello!”
7
Inappropriately Denigrating Himself and in so Doing, the Judgment of the President:
“I’ll be honest, I have no idea why Barack chose me for Vice President. Quite frankly he could have picked a better Vice President out of the phone book. The phone book for the zoo! Seriously folks, I think I’m brain damaged. Unless I’m not hallucinating and you all really did decide to show up dressed like the cast from ‘Saved by The Bell.’ No? See, I’m a loon.”
8
Sixth Sense Moments
"I have the great honor today of standing on this stage and being able to look across at some great Americans, such as President Lyndon B. Johnson, Chief Justice Warren Burger, and actor Heath Ledger. Love you on those Obama posters, by the way."
9
Difficulties with Math
"Look, the Republicans do nothing to address the number one job facing the middle class which as Barack says can be summed up in just three words: Health. Care. Three words. Health. Care."
10
Difficulties with History
“You know, this place is full of history. In fact, it was right here in Michigan 70 years ago that President John Adams wrote the first draft of the Emancipation Proclamation in Word Perfect. Okay, I see some of you looking at me like I’m crazy. Hey, this was a long time ago folks, they didn’t have Microsoft Office back then, right? Try reading a book some day, jeez louise.”
[source: Planet Moron ]
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