THE TOP TEN Rules of Conduct in the Men's Room
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Like marital sex, speed is paramount. You get in and you get out. In this case, however, you don't fall asleep immediately afterward.
Even if you have a vampire stake embedded in your eyeball, you must never allow another man to catch you looking at yourself in the mirror.
Always bring a crayon, so you can make a solid literary contribution to the words of wisdom on the walls. Sign it with a single X (no kisses).
Stand at the urinal for a long time. This creates the impression that your urine has a long way to travel.
While using the urinal, keep your eyes rivited on the misspelled obscenities directly in front of you ... even if someone at the next urinal is having a brain seizure.
If you have really impressive earth-moving equipment, stand at least two feet back from the urinal; keeping both hands on your hips.
Always fart twice while taking a leak. This is the signal that you're straining to force urine past an enlarged prostate; a sure sign that you're an alpha male.
Act like you're subduing a 20-foot python when putting your package back in your pants.
Never flush a urinal. It's O.K. to occasionally flush a toilet, especially if you have a woman in your stall.
If several other men are around, go to the dispenser and buy condoms large enough to be stamped with "Danger of Child Suffocation" warnings.
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