10. Frozen and preserved for museum exhibit
9. Robot shoots laser beams out of its eyes, melting your face
8. Ninja warrior follows you home and slices your face open with a samurai sword
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10. Chuck Norris
9. Pauley Shore
8. Shaq
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10. Nora Roberts
9. Eloisa James
8. Linda Castillo
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10. Neal Stephenson (1959--present)
9. David Brin (1950--present)
8. Greg Bear (1951--present)
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10. A handjob.
9. A back rub.
8. Giving flowers
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10. The Left-Hand Killer (South Park)
9. Sweeney Todd
8. Michael Myers
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10. Get Healthy - I love it when people announce they’re going to change their diets or stop eating junk food at a loud, obnoxious New Year’s Eve party, while stuffing their faces with pie and cookies and chips with dip. It’s the real world equivalent of watching an old western film and catching a glimpse of a modern helicopter not-to-subtly passing by overhead. No one ever gets healthy because they were drunk and decided they felt fat after a month of family-centric holidays. People choose to get healthy because they realize how much red meat is in their diet, or because they’re always sick. The healthy resolution is the biggest joke of all.
9. Quit Smoking / Drop Drugs - I’ve been asking my father to stop smoking every year since I learned to talk. It hasn’t happened yet. I once tried to go a whole year without stealing pills from the houses of strangers holding large parties, and it didn’t work. No one who declares on New Year’s Eve their intent to stop buying cigarettes, pot, coke or whatever their favorite fix is ever succeeds. It’s a fact of life. You’ll stop buying cigarettes after your first big scare, like when your doctor has to remove polyps from your throat or nose. You’ll stop using drugs once you’ve been arrested. Until then all of these stupid resolutions are going to fail, because you are a huge failure.
8. Have Sex More - So maybe you actually pulled off getting laid on New Year’s Eve. Good job, champ. You and a million other dudes found a way to safely take advantage of an inebriated girl. It’s really not worth bragging about it with your boys over breakfast the next day. She didn’t love it, she only let you pull out and drop your load on her tits because she was too drunk to speak straight. So when you tell your boys what a great night it was and how you’re resolving to have more sex this year, no one is going to take you seriously. Why? Because you’re not going to have more sex this year. You’re still the same pathetic guy you were three days ago. You got lucky. That’s it. Maybe you’ll get lucky again, at another dumb party, but that still won’t be a New Year’s Resolution come true. It will just be another opportunity that any dude with a semi-working penis and half a brain could take.
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10. Dan Akroyd
9. Adam Sandler
8. Phil Hartman
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10. Derek Rose
9. Patrick Ewing Jr.
8. Amare Stoudamire
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10. Instant Orgasms
9. Invisibility
8. Super-Human Strength
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