10. Nora Roberts
9. Eloisa James
8. Linda Castillo
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10. Neal Stephenson (1959--present)
9. David Brin (1950--present)
8. Greg Bear (1951--present)
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10. Get Healthy - I love it when people announce they’re going to change their diets or stop eating junk food at a loud, obnoxious New Year’s Eve party, while stuffing their faces with pie and cookies and chips with dip. It’s the real world equivalent of watching an old western film and catching a glimpse of a modern helicopter not-to-subtly passing by overhead. No one ever gets healthy because they were drunk and decided they felt fat after a month of family-centric holidays. People choose to get healthy because they realize how much red meat is in their diet, or because they’re always sick. The healthy resolution is the biggest joke of all.
9. Quit Smoking / Drop Drugs - I’ve been asking my father to stop smoking every year since I learned to talk. It hasn’t happened yet. I once tried to go a whole year without stealing pills from the houses of strangers holding large parties, and it didn’t work. No one who declares on New Year’s Eve their intent to stop buying cigarettes, pot, coke or whatever their favorite fix is ever succeeds. It’s a fact of life. You’ll stop buying cigarettes after your first big scare, like when your doctor has to remove polyps from your throat or nose. You’ll stop using drugs once you’ve been arrested. Until then all of these stupid resolutions are going to fail, because you are a huge failure.
8. Have Sex More - So maybe you actually pulled off getting laid on New Year’s Eve. Good job, champ. You and a million other dudes found a way to safely take advantage of an inebriated girl. It’s really not worth bragging about it with your boys over breakfast the next day. She didn’t love it, she only let you pull out and drop your load on her tits because she was too drunk to speak straight. So when you tell your boys what a great night it was and how you’re resolving to have more sex this year, no one is going to take you seriously. Why? Because you’re not going to have more sex this year. You’re still the same pathetic guy you were three days ago. You got lucky. That’s it. Maybe you’ll get lucky again, at another dumb party, but that still won’t be a New Year’s Resolution come true. It will just be another opportunity that any dude with a semi-working penis and half a brain could take.
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10. Great Googaly Moogaly
9. Crap!
8. Grrr
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10. Pun - Be a pun. Why? Because puns are the funniest, cleverest jokes in the entire medium of comedy. You could construct two effigies that looks somewhat like J.S. Bach, and then affix them to your hips, so that it looks like you’re triple Siamese twins, or maybe it looks like they are sprouting forth from you. Your costume would then be “Outside the Bachs”. You could also go as “Mothra Washington,” “Corn On Macabre” or “Greta Garb(o)age”.
9. Obscure Sports Icon of the ’90s - Who wouldn’t want to dress up as Rick Brunson, Eldridge Recasner, Gary Redus, Brook Jacoby, or Darnell Autry? I’ll tell you who, someone who wants to get noticed by a member of the opposite sex at a party. I guess that makes this a shitty costume idea if you want to bone down with some slutty nurse or slutty cat or slutty slut at a drunken good-time party, but if you’re just going to a bar with the boys (why would you do that on Halloween? That’s a bit gay…), why not try to out-butch one another with dumb sports costumes. I own an old Darnell Autry jersey (#24, Northwestern University), but I’ve got to wait at least another 10 years before he’s obscure enough to be a funny Halloween costume that won’t get me ostracized from all the pussy at the party.
8. Isaac Hayes or Bernie Mac - Don’t forget the toe tag!
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10. www.someecards.com
9. http://www.worst-jobs.com/
8. www.upsidedowndogs.com
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10. Express
9. Diesel
8. Anchor Blue
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10. Blackmail. Tell the store manager that unless he awards you with NumNums, you WILL scream out that he “keeps hamsters in his pants!” That oughta do it.
9. Find the Santa at your local Mall. Tell kids in line that instead of cookies and milk, Santa has requested Pipsqueak. Be an elf for the day and collect “payment.”
8. Formally change your name to “Num Nums” or “Mr. Squiggles.” Claim the Zhu Zhu pets are blood relatives and you have been awarded full custody.
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10. Facebook profile has been quarantined by Centers for Disease Control
9. Every time you play Pass the Pigs your roll “Making Bacon”
8. Family doctor puts you on low-media diet without telling you why
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10. This Thing (http://i36.tinypic.com/waqa6u.gif%20) - Vegan Nick sent me that link yesterday morning (I think it was his attempt to extend an olive branch after informing me that he was not going to meet me at Soy Cafe for lunch), stating that he had been transfixed on it for quite some time. I too found it fascinating, and I bet it’d be a really easy way to waste an hour of my life if I worked a boring desk job like many of you do.
9. Long Weekend - Most of you, I imagine, will not be working on Monday. It’s Labor Day. Kids will be going back to school soon, and Monday really is — for a large portion of America — the last time to hang out in the sun, grill, go to the beach, or do anything fun. It’s kind of like the last really romantic kiss shared with a lover who will imminently leave you. I have to work Monday, but in California its at least comfortable year-round, so I don’t have to worry about winter like many of you. I guess that’s a fair trade-off.
8. Mets In, Yanks Out - At this very moment, the New York Mets are sitting in first place atop the National League East. The New York Yankees, at this very moment, are poised to miss the playoffs for the first time in God-knows how many years. I can’t say I’m disappointed. Nor should you. It’s about time Yankees fans were forced to feel some humility, and suffer through a post-season without a team to support. Don’t worry Yankee fans (I’m speaking to you specifically, Ian and Mike M), you’re always welcome to hop aboard and root for the Amazin’ Mets. We’re not too picky about the kinds of people we allow into our proverbial clubhouse.
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